Leprechauns and Chevy Trucks

When I was a child, I loathed St. Patrick’s Day. The thought of a little man, wearing an uncomfortable green polyester suit, roaming outside my home or classroom was not my idea of enticing holiday fun. As an adult, the fact that Americans use it to “play” with their children; relaying mythological stories of visitors with gold, who only come on that sacred holiday celebrated with green beer and ridiculous shamrock glasses, is a form of child abuse.
Although the legend of the leprechaun bothers me, I find it even more irritating that year around, the legend of the leprechaun takes the beauty of the rainbow and splatters it with (in my opinion) a lurking creepiness. It is beyond me who would ever take the beauty of the rainbow and associate this creature, who happens to be loaded with gold, with one of nature’s wonders. I saw the end of a rainbow today, and praise the Lord, there was not a little man was a red beard and tight green belt…just a typical Chevy truck on the freeway.
This car was typical, one that would have never grabbed my attention otherwise. The rainbow was captivating. It was so bright, it was as though God was displaying all artistic liberties, holding nothing back. I was enthralled my entire drive to the freeway, until I saw the end. I was perplexed because from what I understood one could never see the end of a rainbow. And there it was in clear daylight.
This typical truck was radiating with illuminated colors; it was the strangest thing I had seen, and my wonder quickly turned to disappointment and perplexity. It was beauty beyond measure, something which man could never recreate, shining on a car in the slow lane of the 8 freeway heading east. I found my mind thinking, “Seriously…this is the way this is going to end? Don’t let that end God. I want to still look at it. Don’t take it away yet.” Then the bright arrays were gone, the rain clouds loomed above me, and the rain started to pour.
As I was heading to work in the pouring rain, I realized that I had actually seen the end a rainbow. There were no flowers, gold, or green polyester. And I can’t imagine that the driver of the car even knew that the beauty of the most radiant rainbow I had seen was on his car. The wonder is the rainbow, not in the end for which we strive.
As humans we create imaginary ends to all of life’s scenarios. I am guilty of falling into the trap of thinking, “When I get married, then life will be easier because I won’t be alone.” Although that may be true, the beauty in the situation now is that I have complete freedom, I can take care of myself independently, and to be honest, I am stronger than I want to be at times, which is a blessing in light of numerous situations. That is the beauty now; the rainbow. Although seeing the end of the rainbow was interesting, and still pretty, it still left me perplexed. Marriage brings a whole new bag of tricks and then there is another end to grasp. “When I have children, then we will be a family.” It never ends. We are always striving for the pot of gold.
When I saw the end, I was disappointed and I didn’t want the rainbow to go away. I pray that I can have that perspective on life; enjoy the ‘now’. As I was enticed by what I was seeing in front of me, I wasn’t even thinking about finding the end because in front of me was the blessing, the beauty and the wonder. It brought rain and clouds, but we live in a fallen world. Other rainbows come and go, so do the clouds.
I will look at the rainbow because in the end, there is no earthly gold. Not until the final end, when believers will dance in heavenly gold. But while I am here as a human being, I need to fight to train my mind to find the amazement of what is in front of me. Chances are very great there are lurking leprechauns and freeways, and God knows we want more than that. Life’s wonders and blessings are not on a Chevy, but in the rainbow.

So What Do You Have?

I have come to the conclusion that never experiencing being single, or longing for children, or never craving a home can socially hinder a person to the land of lameness. People who have everything at their beckon call ask point blank questions with no regard to who they are asking, simply because they want to know. Disregard that it is none of their business. They have never felt the sting of a conversation focused on societal norms, because they have always been on the “positive and normal” end.

How do I let people say obnoxious things that gets my panties so twisted? Here I am 12 hours later, still tweaked after a conversation with a 23 year old newly engaged colleague. I know that she is excited because she is newly engaged, (which she made very clear. Her fiancé and her started dating after she was dating his best friend since Jr. High… “and now I’m engaged!” Ain’t that sweet?) And I realize that she is 23, so she is young and stupid. However, despite these two factors, conversations like this should never exist.

(After I saw her looking at my left hand):
Her: “So you said you have kids?”
Me: “No, I was referring to my students.”
Her: “Are you married? Oh, I was trying to look at your hand to see where you are in life.”
Me: Smirk that was supposed to relay the message: thanks for that presupposed attempt at classifying me.
Me: “No.”
Her: “Do you have a boyfriend?” (Usually I am asked if I am dating or seeing anyone. I haven’t heard it phrased this way in a while, which made it dawn on me I was dealing with a different mentality here. I felt like responding, “Yes, and his best friend asked me to go steady with him at the lunch table today.”) Back to reality…
Me: “No. Just me.”
Her: “Oh, who else is single at this school?”
Me: “Why?” (and that was polite code for “What the hell would you ask me that for? You want to size up everyone?”)
Her: “My fiance’s friends want to meet single girls. Yeah know now that I work at a school now with all teachers they want me to hook them up.”
Me: “Well, everyone here is pretty much in relationships or married.”
Her: “Oh really? So it’s just you?”
(Isn’t that what I said?)
Me: “There’s another single person or two. I think. I really don’t know about that all that well.” (That is code for, “There are other really cool things to get to know about people you blonde airhead.”)
Me: “Are your fiance’s friends ‘nice’.” (I couldn’t think of a better word for, ‘ not like you’. )
Que eye roll,
Her: “No they are totally the left overs.”
Que my half ass smile and quiet escape to the bathroom.
Conversation done.

Instead of feeling like a classified “leftover”, I have decided to turn this into a 9 point social lesson.

1. For starters, conversations like this should never take place. NEVER. There are really interesting things about people that do not entail what they do not have (and everyone else appears to have…especially). I think this should be broadcasted as a simpleton socially acceptable behavior. I do not know how this lesson has bypassed society.

2. Awkward conversations are bound to happen. We are human and life is generally awkward all together. So when one word answers, (like, “No.”) start to happen in a conversation, it is time to change the subject.

3. Generally speaking, don’t ask people about their personal lives in the same conversation you ask their name. It’s none of your business. Stick to conversations about the event you are at, why you are there or who you know, or if you are really struggling….the weather. Simple.

4. Don’t ever assume you know where people are in life based upon a material item. I mean what if the conversation goes the other way. “Yes, this ring says I am married, but I am miserable.” Or, “Yes, we have this huge Escalade, however we are in debt up to our eyes.” Or, “Yes I am married, but I don’t know if I want children.” Again, none of your business.

5. Don’t ever assume that because people are similar in life, they are a match for becoming lifelong friends. You have children and she has children. You should be friends. You are single and he is single, Oh great! Disregard they have nothing else in common. They can only talk about the one thing that joins them for so long.

6. If your conversation happens to make it to a plummeted discussion of what is not had in life, don’t reinstate it. “So it’s really just you?” As in, “Holy hell, how is that possible? I mean I thought that you were totally exaggerating.” Yeah, you want me to say it again? I mean really restate what I already told you I don’t have?

7. Never insult a “group” of people who the person you are talking to is in…because you just found that out from your childlike conversation. Referring to your single friends as “All the leftovers” is insulting to not only them, but to me. I am 8 years older than you, (and probably them) and you just called them leftovers. General rule: THINK!

8. Realize that when you are talking to a person, they have a different path, one that looks nothing like yours, so refrain from looking at them as a side show, and start looking for what they have done that is different that your path. People are people and I don’t believe that there is really a “normal.” So stop looking for it because people don’t fit neatly into little categories that you can size them up in an initial conversation. When you do desperately grab at straws to size someone up, it makes for blog posts like these.

9. Look for what they do have or what they have done instead or what they do not have. I look at it regarding the five senses. When a person does not have one sense, the others kick it up a notch. I have not been in a relationship, but I have gone to college, lived abroad, traveled around the world, can support myself, and have a great career. I may not have done all that if I was in and out of relationships throughout my 20’s.

Considering that 10 is a round number and that things like this usually have ten points, I decided to do 9 for the sake of my post. Not expected, and maybe there “should” be ten points. But whatever, don’t question what’s not there.

Switching the Manual

One thing I admire about children is that they are perpetually and irritatingly optimistic. Although this is a charming quality, it is beyond difficult to work against when teaching a child to write a story. They develop amazing characters, then the story dies because here is never a problem. As a result, this great start leads to a sickly optimistic stories, that are ridiculously boring.
I am currently in the middle of teaching my third graders how to write a story, and am feeling like I am climbing this hill of blinding sunshine. Meanwhile, teaching a child that she needs a problem closely resembles trying to mask this "rainbow" with black paint using 1 inch paint brush. "Why do I need a problem Ms. Vile?" Wouldn't life just be peachy if we could all have this perspective?
I went into an extensive lesson today about the importance of a problems and solutions in stories. I explained it, I read a book that resembled a problem and solution, I sampled my own writing sample with a problem and solution, and we ALL (ideally speaking) wrote another sample. When it was time for the kids to write their own problem about their character, I looked over and saw one girl looking blankly at the board. I asked, "What's the hold up my dear?" She looked blankly at me and said, "What are we doing?" This is when real teacher patience kicks in because everything in you wants to forcefully ask her where her head has been for the last twenty minutes. However, regaining the composure of a true champ, I responded, "We are writing a problem for our character in our story." She looked at me, completely straight faced and said, "You mean like a math problem? So I need to get out my math book. Right?" I then broke my professionalism, and laughed at her. I actually laughed at my student.
While driving home and thinking about how frustrated I was that she was in math, while I was in writing, I realized that this particular third grader and I are similar in a few ways.
This is my current struggle. I am focused and driven in one area, unable to see what God is teaching or where He is leading. As a result, I am frustrated because I am so wrapped up in my head, trying to make my interpretation match whatever He is up to. As a result, I am now the little girl trying to put a math problem into my writing story, simply because my teacher said I need a problem and solution. That box is small and I currently am not thinking out of it.
I have decided to wait. I think that I finally understand the importance of what that means. I am no longer pursuing the things that should put me where I think I should be. I am going to take a vacation from me. It was between that and taking up pot, (although the later doesn't sound all that bad). I am not going to ask for that particular "area" for a while. This is not an action of waving a white flag. It is an action of stopping the frantic panic of "unanswered" prayers and listening. I know that there is more out there, more to this roller coaster of a life than my ideal of what life should look like...(something about 2.2 kids and a fence). I pray to see it as a journey, not a destination to actively pursue. I want to be on God's subject, His time. I choose to now laugh with Him, because I sure as hell know He is having His fair share of laughter at this particular student. I just realized that God and I are on the same page there. That's a start.

Smile on Crutches

Amanda would come barrelling down the school hallway every morning with a massive smile. Not just a physical smile, but a smile from the heart; one that beams with sheer contentment and expressive joy. This ray of light would come down the hallway on a limping body of a paraplegic.

The last two years of teaching were ridiculously tough. I would often approach my door, fighting back the tears as I fumbled for my keys. In hindsight, I realized I was so wrapped up in the chaos of the heinously behaved children and the fact of how miserable they made ME, many days I failed to notice Amanda's amazing nature. Now, by the grace of God, I am out of that situation, and have had memories from those two years pop into my head like a bad dream. It has been like a challenge, God asking me, "What are you going to do with those last two years?" He's gently been reminding me that pain does not consume by accident, or occur by default. There is a divine purpose in times which may resemble hell on earth. This seven year old has been my current muse for smiling.

Amanda got a tumor at the base of her spinal chord at the age of two. This left her paralyzed from the waist down. She was told that she would be restricted to a wheelchair her entire life. When I received my roster that year, I was told I would have to create a classroom environment that was wheelchair friendly. I did. However much to my surprise, the first day of school she walked in, with a walker and that Amanda smile. I should have noticed immediately that this girl was not your regular inner city little girl with a huge physical ailment.

Amanda could not do P.E. or other activities with the other students, but she still smiled as she sat and conversed with me as the kids played. She lived her mom in extreme poverty, but she never complained. She would come without breakfast, but still tried the hardest one could without energy. The kids would tease her for her limp and for wearing diapers. She would reply as though she took it to heart, but responded in a manner much like I would imagine from someone twice her age.

I did a house visit once to see an apartment in shambles. She was sitting on the floor playing with her toys. She saw that her teacher was there and couldn't be more excited. She didn't get embarrassed, but rather was more about people than the apparent chaos in which she lived.

It is strange the timing God has to allow us to process whatever we have experienced. I visualize it as a large unfinished puzzle. As we experience things, the picture will start to make sense. Currently I have been reminding myself daily to have faith in regards to His timing. There has popped Amanda and her smile, accompanied with the familiar sound of her crutches clattering down the poorly painted hallway. She seemed to have understood God's grace, down to her paralyzed bones.

Who am I to question God? I am healthy, smart and have no physical or mental restrictions. I have a degree and a credential, have travelled extensively and have friends and family who repeatedly shock me with love and loyalty. I have had so much more than this little girl who never failed to smile with prevailing joy. I pray that I can be seen this way, or better yet, truly live a thankful life.

I think often of Amanda and pray that life doesn't eventually steal this treasure away from her. She seems to have figured it out at such an early age. May the young ones teach us. May I see the joy in what I have instead of the pain in what I don't have. May the smile on crutches continue to saturate my heart, marinating it to the point of beaming grateful joy.

Seriously?

I got a lecture from the hair stylist today. It feels funny to say that I even have a "hair stylist", which may give way to part of the issue. I had a little giggle at the fact that she felt the need to tell me she was "not a fan" of my current hair color. True, I am not a "fan" either, however, it's my head right? Does a profession allow you the right to be overly opinionated to your clients? And what is it in us all that feels the need to "educate" one another on such topics? (we all have a degree of this!)

I realize that my hair is a strange bleached out color. I know it needs to be colored, and I will have my two hour encounter with chemicals soon. However, I am planning on being in Costa Rica for a week, and the summer is coming; a nice, long, UVA ray filled San Diego Summer (Praise God!) Who in their right mind would shell out the money to get her hair dyed now? I may as well give daily to the man on the corner with the sign that says, "I'll be honest, I just need a beer". So today, with that conclusion in mind, I only got a cut. I could tell by the twisted expression on her face, (and the sarcastic joke she made about stalking me in my sleep with hand full of dye) that she royally disapproved. Instead of being put out by her response, I put myself in her shoes....at least I tried.

I came to the conclusion today that it is a matter of passions. I like being a girl, I actually more so love it really. However, I am not overly "girly". My hair is not a preferred color right now, but that is straight up nature and my love of the sun. So the root issue to the odd color, is my passion of being outdoors (not to mention I found a hairdryer a few years ago, and then came product. That stuff really isn't overrated.)

Whereas my stylist's passion is hair, my passion is teaching. This made me think, how many times have I verbally questioned God about His method of choosing parents? Many times. I have also been short with parents in response to their outward naivety and carelessness, done uninvited house visits, and have been quoted to have actually said, "Come on! Seriously?" to a parent at a conference. So yes, there is my introverted outward response that is related to my passion, one that may not be someone else's. So I guess I may have made my "clients" feel like they were not doing their "job" either.

Whether it be taking care of one's hair, or child's reading ability, we all have different things we are specialized in, and it relates to our interests. I find this one of the greatest mysteries of God. How does He do that? How does He keep track of everyone and what they like to do? How does He make it all work? Just like we all need to read, we need things like getting our hair cut. Stretching it a bit I realize, it really feels great when you read and learn and it feel great to get your hair cut and even rejuvenated with a little boost of color. Both are confidence caffeine.

The day ended and my hair is still currently the bleached out color it was in High School. But the cut feels great, and after pondering this a greater portion of the day, I no longer am offended at the fact that I was lectured about the importance of caring for my hair with appropriate color maintenance. That's her passion, her art. I am thankful for her passion, for she even styles the back right. (Who wants a screwed up haircut in the back?) I am thankful that God gave us all different passions. I think that I need to be more aware of what people do, how they do it, and the different ways they approach their passions. It's another way of seeing the mystery of God.

We are all puzzle pieces. Some odder shaped than others, but equally important to the bigger picture. It's amazing picture, I can feel it all the way through my bones to the tips of my awkwardly colored hair.

God's Love Letter

I saw God's love letter today. I did not read it like you would a traditional letter; I saw and felt it. As I stepped out of my apartment and onto the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean, I was overtaken by a sense that I was not alone. I felt Him there, standing next to me. I looked out upon the ocean and the most mezmorizing sunset filled my vision, while a cool breeze reminded me I was alive to soak in that image at that specific moment. As I sat overlooking the ocean, I was reminded that I am loved enough by a God who can create such wonder; such moments. I am loved. He will forever be my love.

"Why, yes I am!"

Single? Married? Our society uses these classifications like they are elementary grade school levels. Is knowing that answer really supposed to tell you anything? What do we really gather about a person, one you have never met mind you, by knowing if they are married or single? I hate that question, and not because I am in the single category. Logically speaking, has anyone ever really come up with an answer that doesn't make at least one of the two parties involved not feel awkward? It is a question our society treats as a general "small talk" starter, but in reality, I have found it (in addition to the question, "why don't you have children?) to be loaded.

You never know what a person's personal battle may be in this relational area of her life. What if she just got her heart put through a meat grinder? What if she is dealing with a family member who is sick and doesn't have the time (literally)? What if she just can't find a quality person, but pray nightly that the situation would change? Asking the question, simply reminds her that she is "different" and takes a potentially pleasant conversation and plunges it into a pit of an internal battle. If that person is anything like me, the question brings up a possible smorgas-borg of "reasons" and excuses that have been rummaging through my brain, multiplying with every bridesmaid dress I buy. I guarantee the answer, "I don't have time", or "I am happy single", are about as legit as Sandra Bullock saying she would love to take back Jesse James. (small one percent....maybe.)

As I asked earlier, how are you really supposed to answer the question? I mean, do these strangers (and they are, or else they would know that answer - if there is even one) genuinely want an answer? What do you really say other than, "I don't know." Even then, that sounds like you are naive about what is supposedly really going on. Let's face it, people think about it a lot, single and married. You cannot escape the topic. It is EVERYWHERE! So I have come up with my top ten responses to curve the "I don't know" (which is always followed by a pathetic look) response. Give anyone one of these responses, and I have found that I have the upper hand in the conversation.

1. I have bad skin. (easy way to change the subject....especially with Chaldean's!)

2. I am apparently not seen fit by God. (this is always followed by a look of shock)

3. I have one. I just keep him in my attic.

4. I have been told I have a really weird personality. Boyfriends must be for normal people.

5. I must be ugly. Thoughts?

6. Gosh, have I told you about all the cool things God has done in my life? (this one really leaves them perplexed because it doesn't even address the question...awesome!)

7. The last one has a restraining order against me. Since then, no one wants to date me.

8. Hmmmm...What do you think?

9. I must smell. Can you smell me right now?

10. Like it is hard to get a "boyfriend"? Have you not been to a bar?

11. I look really bad in white, so I am taking all possible measures to avoid it.

12. I am in a classroom for seven hours a day and there aren't any divorced single dads this year. Darn!

13. Then the sure fire, "What are you really looking for here?"

14. Can you get me one? ....by Friday?

This list grows by the week. I am just fully loaded right now. I was asked three times on Thursday. Really, no sarcasm there. Hate the question and I choose to have a little fun with it. I'm not mean spirited, just looking for a giggle amidst the potential downers in life. Success!