So What Do You Have?

I have come to the conclusion that never experiencing being single, or longing for children, or never craving a home can socially hinder a person to the land of lameness. People who have everything at their beckon call ask point blank questions with no regard to who they are asking, simply because they want to know. Disregard that it is none of their business. They have never felt the sting of a conversation focused on societal norms, because they have always been on the “positive and normal” end.

How do I let people say obnoxious things that gets my panties so twisted? Here I am 12 hours later, still tweaked after a conversation with a 23 year old newly engaged colleague. I know that she is excited because she is newly engaged, (which she made very clear. Her fiancé and her started dating after she was dating his best friend since Jr. High… “and now I’m engaged!” Ain’t that sweet?) And I realize that she is 23, so she is young and stupid. However, despite these two factors, conversations like this should never exist.

(After I saw her looking at my left hand):
Her: “So you said you have kids?”
Me: “No, I was referring to my students.”
Her: “Are you married? Oh, I was trying to look at your hand to see where you are in life.”
Me: Smirk that was supposed to relay the message: thanks for that presupposed attempt at classifying me.
Me: “No.”
Her: “Do you have a boyfriend?” (Usually I am asked if I am dating or seeing anyone. I haven’t heard it phrased this way in a while, which made it dawn on me I was dealing with a different mentality here. I felt like responding, “Yes, and his best friend asked me to go steady with him at the lunch table today.”) Back to reality…
Me: “No. Just me.”
Her: “Oh, who else is single at this school?”
Me: “Why?” (and that was polite code for “What the hell would you ask me that for? You want to size up everyone?”)
Her: “My fiance’s friends want to meet single girls. Yeah know now that I work at a school now with all teachers they want me to hook them up.”
Me: “Well, everyone here is pretty much in relationships or married.”
Her: “Oh really? So it’s just you?”
(Isn’t that what I said?)
Me: “There’s another single person or two. I think. I really don’t know about that all that well.” (That is code for, “There are other really cool things to get to know about people you blonde airhead.”)
Me: “Are your fiance’s friends ‘nice’.” (I couldn’t think of a better word for, ‘ not like you’. )
Que eye roll,
Her: “No they are totally the left overs.”
Que my half ass smile and quiet escape to the bathroom.
Conversation done.

Instead of feeling like a classified “leftover”, I have decided to turn this into a 9 point social lesson.

1. For starters, conversations like this should never take place. NEVER. There are really interesting things about people that do not entail what they do not have (and everyone else appears to have…especially). I think this should be broadcasted as a simpleton socially acceptable behavior. I do not know how this lesson has bypassed society.

2. Awkward conversations are bound to happen. We are human and life is generally awkward all together. So when one word answers, (like, “No.”) start to happen in a conversation, it is time to change the subject.

3. Generally speaking, don’t ask people about their personal lives in the same conversation you ask their name. It’s none of your business. Stick to conversations about the event you are at, why you are there or who you know, or if you are really struggling….the weather. Simple.

4. Don’t ever assume you know where people are in life based upon a material item. I mean what if the conversation goes the other way. “Yes, this ring says I am married, but I am miserable.” Or, “Yes, we have this huge Escalade, however we are in debt up to our eyes.” Or, “Yes I am married, but I don’t know if I want children.” Again, none of your business.

5. Don’t ever assume that because people are similar in life, they are a match for becoming lifelong friends. You have children and she has children. You should be friends. You are single and he is single, Oh great! Disregard they have nothing else in common. They can only talk about the one thing that joins them for so long.

6. If your conversation happens to make it to a plummeted discussion of what is not had in life, don’t reinstate it. “So it’s really just you?” As in, “Holy hell, how is that possible? I mean I thought that you were totally exaggerating.” Yeah, you want me to say it again? I mean really restate what I already told you I don’t have?

7. Never insult a “group” of people who the person you are talking to is in…because you just found that out from your childlike conversation. Referring to your single friends as “All the leftovers” is insulting to not only them, but to me. I am 8 years older than you, (and probably them) and you just called them leftovers. General rule: THINK!

8. Realize that when you are talking to a person, they have a different path, one that looks nothing like yours, so refrain from looking at them as a side show, and start looking for what they have done that is different that your path. People are people and I don’t believe that there is really a “normal.” So stop looking for it because people don’t fit neatly into little categories that you can size them up in an initial conversation. When you do desperately grab at straws to size someone up, it makes for blog posts like these.

9. Look for what they do have or what they have done instead or what they do not have. I look at it regarding the five senses. When a person does not have one sense, the others kick it up a notch. I have not been in a relationship, but I have gone to college, lived abroad, traveled around the world, can support myself, and have a great career. I may not have done all that if I was in and out of relationships throughout my 20’s.

Considering that 10 is a round number and that things like this usually have ten points, I decided to do 9 for the sake of my post. Not expected, and maybe there “should” be ten points. But whatever, don’t question what’s not there.